More than a year ago, I was in California for dinner with my boss at the time and we ended up dining in one of his favorite old haunts, sitting on a patio, on a spectacular evening. Our server was a young man that ran to and fro, very attentive to our dining experience. A couple of visits in, I caught a very pleasant scent and just couldn’t place it, so eventually I could not resist and asked him. It wasn’t a cologne as I had expected, but rather a skin moisturizer that he had been using to combat the effects of the California sun and lack of humidity. Interested, I wrote down the name Palmer’s Moisturizing Gel Oil and tucked it away to be forgotten. That was until last week, of course, when I happened to be picking up razor blades and glanced down noticing a few different Palmer products a couple of shelves below the Gillette display. A few crusty synapses fired, some dust puffed from my ears, and I checked for the slip of paper to confirm the name. Unfortunately, the store I was at only had Palmer’s Lotion, but what the hell … I grabbed a bottle anyway.
Once home, I tried a bit on those sandpaper elbows all Wisconsinites sport. With a thick consistency like any other lotion, I put a couple of dabs on the aforementioned elbows and rubbed it in. As I did so, that faint cocoa butter scent I remembered drifted up to delight my olfactory senses. I put my hands to my face and breathed in that incredible fragrance. It smelled like chocolate. No, it smelled like melted butter. No, it smelled like chocolate chip cookies. I thought I was replaying a scene from the movie Michael in my own head, but none of those were quite right … not quite delicious enough. As I walked past our sleeping Golden Retriever Bella, here eyes popped open and she look up with her nose twitching in the air. Yes, she confirmed it … a completely delectable aroma.
The next morning, I found that an almost incredible change had occurred in my elbows. It was almost miraculous, for they had become smooth and supple. Wow! If that stuff can do that, what else can it do? After mowing the lawn, and receiving a bloody scratch across my bicep from the evil thorns that flourish on the edge of our path, I immediately knew the correct course of action. I just needed to put some Palmer’s on that scratch. Within a matter of hours, what would have most definitely been scabbed and bright red, was a very faint pink line. Another application and a few more hours, and the wound can no longer be found. I am a believer! Just like Gus Portokalos and his Windex, I find myself prescribing Palmer’s as the miracle cure for any malady.
But alas, the note had specifically said ‘moisturizing gel oil’, not the lotion that I had found so spectacular. I immediately set out on a quest and found the correct product. After my next shower, I applied the gel oil, very much the consistency of a baby oil, more broadly on my arms and legs. The feeling of your skin after application is like silk. It is smooth and without any friction. For anybody that has ever made pasta by hand, it is very close to the texture of the pasta dough when it has the perfect amount of moisture. As you can probably imagine, the scent is magnified by more generous application. Poor Bella simply followed me around, licking her lips the entire time.
Next time you see me, if my skin looks smoother and more radiant, or if you find me looking suspiciously younger … don’t worry about it. If you find yourself wondering if I have had cosmetic surgery, or if you find yourself unexpectedly becoming hungry … it won’t be a mystery any longer. It is simply the Palmer’s and please call me Mr. Cocoa Butter.